Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
