it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
