could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
