Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize