im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
