How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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