That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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