i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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