Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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