Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
