well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
