I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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