I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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