so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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