Who wears a wallet chain?!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
