My nipple is on Facebook.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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