Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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