Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I am naked and annoyed.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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