We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
