I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I am one with the molecules
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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