There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
