I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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