the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
