Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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