my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
