allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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