WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
