Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
