My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just gargled with NyQuil
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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