yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
