I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
