we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
