I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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