There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
