why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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