can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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