Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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