if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
