My hand turned me down
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
