Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
