Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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