she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
