you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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