i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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