He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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