Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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