i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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