i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
