porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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