My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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