What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
