that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
pray to the hookup gods
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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