he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
