I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
